Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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