I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
