i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
