my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
