just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
