wrigley field is MILF paradise
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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