it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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