i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
