No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You can't special order awesome
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
