i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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