im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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