I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
