I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There's always time for handjobs
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
