he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
