if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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