I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
