Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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