I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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