i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
