Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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