$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
