My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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