No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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