in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
