Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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