Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
