found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
