You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
