I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
