My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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