WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
