....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
