how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
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Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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