i was born a porn star she said
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
