two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
