so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
