Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
