you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
