My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
