Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
