I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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