Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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