i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
