Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
