I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
