Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
