I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
