This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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