those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
