D3 body, D1 cock
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
