I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
