Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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