just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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